Are you dealing with stealing or other dishonest behavior with your child?

Dishonesty can be a very irritating behavior for parents to correct. It's important to keep in mind that behavior that is learned can also be unlearned. Often, the biggest problem for parents is being able to manage their own feelings. How do you deal with the unsettling idea that your loveable, innocent preschooler could be lying, stealing or falsely accusing others?

Instead of getting upset, try seeing your child's dishonest behavior as an opportunity to teach him or her right from wrong. Avoid lecturing, yelling, using guilt or nagging your young child about his dishonest act: It is a waste of time. Focus your time and attention on teaching and practicing with your child what you want him or her to do instead-to be more honest. Some parents find this skill much easier said than done. It will take patience and lots of practice.

Sometimes we forget that children do not automatically know what it takes to be honest. This behavior, like others, is learned. Let's start this first article on honesty by asking questions to determine if your expectation is reasonable for your child's ability. There are four key questions you should ask yourself to decide if you've set a reasonable expectation:

1) Have I clearly taught my child ahead of time what I want him or her to do?
2) Have I modeled what I want my child to do?
3) Is my child developmentally capable of doing what I'm asking?
4) Has my child been able to do this behavior in the past?

Let's apply these questions to the issue of honesty to see if your expectations are reasonable.

Have I clearly taught my child what I want her to do to be honest?

• Remember that teaching involves showing and not just telling your child what you want.
  
• Use reasonable consequences that are meaningful to your child so she will understand that her behavior brings both positive and negative results.

Have I modeled how to be honest so that my child knows what to do?

• Do you practice in your everyday life what you preach, or do you find yourself constantly applying the old adage of "Do as I say, not as I do." The three most important words of parenting are model, model, model!

Is my child developmentally capable of understanding what honesty is?

• Some toddlers are great mimics and will often repeat any behavior or frequently used word without truly understanding what they are doing or saying. If your child is mimicking negative things, it is up to you to change the environment that is exposing your child to inappropriate behavior.
  
  
• On the other hand, you should expect, as your child develops and grows cognitively, socially and emotionally, that certain temperaments and age periods might cause your child more difficulty with being honest. Children will need training in these developmental areas to mature.

Has my child been able to show honest behavior in the past?

• Practicing honesty skills with your child each day is an excellent way to see what strengths and weaknesses your child may have with this particular skill. Be sure that your practices are brief, focused on the behavior you want to teach, and connected to a motivator that will encourage him or her to practice.

  For instance, if your 5-year-old comes to ask permission to do something that motivates him, before you give your answer, engage in a practice. Say something like, "Wow! Thanks for asking first. Before I give my answer, remember we always play "To tell the truth." (Then ask your child two or three questions you know the answer to, and remind him to tell you the facts.) "Thomas, what color is my shirt? How old are you? Where do you take a nap?" If your child tells you the truth, praise him and quickly reward him by answering his question.

• Replacing behavior is another excellent way to increase your child's ability to be honest. For instance, if your little Maria has sticky fingers when it comes to other people's belongings, she may be taking things for the sheer thrill and the attention she gets from it. Try replacing her behavior with another, more appropriate action. At certain times each day, hide a few things where you know she can find them. Give her an instruction to find only the things you have hidden and put them back where they belong. Reward her honest act by giving her your attention or a small reward; time with you, along with the thrill of finding the hidden object may be all the encouragement she needs to be more honest.