After a busy day of work, school and activities, families look forward to an evening to relax. It’s also a key time for parents and children to connect. But too often, juggling dinner, chores and homework leads to conflict and stress. Do parents need to be “on” all night, staying fully attentive to keep the routine on track? And what impact does a parent’s attention or lack of attention have on a child’s emotions and behavior? 

Recent studies reinforce what experts have long known: kids thrive on attention, and the quality of attention matters — even more so than quantity. When it comes to the evening routine, just 15 minutes of what’s called “unconditional noncontingent time in” can help set a positive emotional tone and improve a child’s behavior throughout the evening.

What “Time In” Is

“Unconditional noncontingent time in” is positive attention that isn’t dependent on a child’s good or bad behavior. It’s long been a cornerstone of Boys Town’s Family Home Program, and it’s also applied in other behavioral models including Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, Behavioral Pediatrics and Functional Family Therapy.  

A brief but consistent evening ritual of unconditional time in — with no agenda beyond connection — helps create a positive momentum that sustains calm and cooperation throughout the night. Parents are often surprised how doing this one thing differently can set the tone for the entire evening.

Why “Time In” Works

If criticism greets children as they walk in the door or even in the car at pickup, their response can be: “Why bother, I’m always in trouble.” From an adult’s perspective, it’s like having your manager begin every interaction by discussing what you’ve done wrong.

Spending time simply connecting with kids — without probing or correcting — helps build trust and a sense of emotional safety. Children become more likely to seek out parents for help with problems. Discipline also becomes more effective because children who are accustomed to that positive attention want to stay in that comfortable state.

How “Time In” Works

• Start in the car
  Give positive rather than negative attention during the ride home. Instead of asking “How was your day?” or checking on tests and homework, keep conversation light. Offer a specific compliment, such as “You did a good job having your backpack ready this morning.” Starting positive helps build trust and creates a more relaxed atmosphere for addressing issues like homework later.
  Not sure how to connect in a meaningful way? Try Boys Town’s Weekly Conversation Starters. Just text CONVO to 51550 and you’ll receive two thoughtful questions directly to your phone each week.
• Do a 15-minute reset.
  Once you get home, spend 15 minutes together doing something fun that you and your children have already agreed on, such as playing a game, shooting hoops or reading a book. This is the unconditional noncontingent time in. Children get to enjoy their parents’ attention and parents experience the delightful side of their kids — and that's really powerful.
• Be strategic with screens.
  Model mindful use of technology. Remember, it's not about quantity of attention. The measure is quality. Wait until after the 15-minute reset where you’ve provided that positive attention. Once your child is settled into other activities, it’s fine to check those emails and texts.  Just be sure to reengage with full presence — making eye contact and pausing to fully listen — to reestablish connection throughout the evening.
• Add accountability.
  Set a phone alarm or wear a visual reminder like a bracelet to remind you to take this new approach to your evening. You can also enlist a partner, relative or friend to remind you about maintaining these new habits.

A mindful shift in attention can have a big impact on behavior. While some parents initially object to adding another activity to their already busy night, they soon discover that starting with a 15-minute time in ultimately results in fewer conflicts and more relaxed evenings for the entire family.

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