Poor listening is one of the most common concerns expressed by parents of children and teens. When kids are having fun, they want to keep having fun. If a parent makes a request that ends or prevents fun, children may respond with behaviors ranging from whining to complaining to hurricane-force tantrums. Parents often say they need to repeat requests, threaten or raise their voice to get their child to do what they have asked. The good news is that by making a few simple changes in the way you teach your child to listen, he or she can become a better listener.

You are the message-sender, the traffic light for your child. Real traffic lights go predictably from green to yellow to red. Imagine if traffic lights changed at random. You wouldn’t know when you were supposed to stop! As a parent, the more predictable your signals are, the more predictable your child’s behavior will be.

Step 1: Give Clear Instructions

When you make a request, your light is GREEN and children are given the signal to “GO” and complete a task. When they listen, make their efforts pay off by providing praise, attention, smiles, etc. This will get them GO-ing, and they will eventually learn that the sooner they follow your request, the sooner they can get back to playing and having fun.

Step 2: Give One Warning

When your child doesn’t listen (or comply), then your light goes to YELLOW, warning of an upcoming consequence: “If you don’t do this, then (consequence) will happen.” By predictably showing your children that not listening the first time brings a warning and not just a repeated instruction or nagging, you make it more likely that your child will listen and follow through with what you’ve asked.

Step 3​: Follow Through with a Consequence

If you give one request and one warning and your child still doesn’t listen, then your light should go to RED, meaning you give a negative consequence like time-out or loss of a privilege (e.g., loss of TV or computer time). Once you give the consequence, go back to green and repeat the instruction because the task still needs to get done!

​Parenting Tip: Be Consistent!

Some parents make numerous requests followed by numerous warnings, with consequences occurring unpredictably, late or never. Once a child figures out that a parent’s light will stay green or yellow for a long period of time and may never turn red, there is little reason to “GO” on green and do what you asked. When the signals aren’t predictable, it encourages children to ignore their parents, become defiant or escalate misbehaviors with the hope of changing their parents’ minds.

Sometimes a parent can carry predictability and authority too far. Jumping right from making a request that was not followed to a harsh punishment may result in better listening – but only temporarily. Usually when this happens, a child is responding out of fear and may resent the parent because the punishment feels so unfair. Giving a warning allows children to think about their choices, knowing that a specific consequence will happen in response to whatever choice they make.

Teaching Tips

Teaching your child to listen is a process that relies heavily on communication and consistency. Here are some tips to help you successfully teach your child the importance of listening, the first time:

• Stay calm
• Be direct
• State commands positively
• Give one command at a time
• Give age-appropriate instructions
• Give brief reasons
• Be physically present
• Ask the child to repeat the instruction
• Reward compliance
• Make sure you mean it