Thank you for contacting us for help. Parenting is a tough job, and we sometimes recognize that we have done things along the way that lead to even more difficulty as our children grow and develop.
It is counterproductive to look back and blame ourselves. It is productive to look back and learn from our mistakes and make changes in our own behaviors.
Children who are given everything without having to earn it often feel as though things are owed to them. They appreciate very few things, and they appreciate the people who provide these things even less. It sounds as though you have reached a point of realization that things must change.
If you can, sit down and establish clear expectations for behaviors. This includes using social skills as well as chores around the house. Also, plan in advance what can be earned when the child meets expectations and what the consequences are when he fails to meet the expectations.
Start by teaching him some basic social skills:
- Follow instructions
- Look at the person who is speaking to him
- Say OK to show understanding
- Perform the task immediately and let the other person know when the task is finished
- Accept consequences
- Accept a “no” answer
- Ask permission
Describe these skills step by step to the child, and give him good reasons for performing the tasks the way you are describing. Then, have the child practice.
Let your children know that things must change and it may be uncomfortable for a while but you are going to stick to it. When your son is grounded make sure there are no privileges available to him that he enjoys, such as telephone, TV, DVD, I pod, computer, etc...
During the time he is grounded make sure he has things to do, extra chores, learning and practicing social skills, helping his parents. He will have to complete these assignments to re-gain his privileges.
Do not let your son talk you out of sticking to your plan and your consequences. In the situation you described, he didn’t accept consequences, and he took other’s property without permission.
These are both negative behaviors and should be confronted by teaching him more acceptable alternatives and negative consequences for engaging in them.
Boys Town has a parenting program called
Common Sense Parenting that teaches the very techniques described above, and more. Parenting education can offer additional strategies and techniques when what you are doing isn’t working. A book by the same name can be purchased at local bookstores or at www.boystownpress.org.
If you feel your son has gotten to the point that he needs to be assessed by a counselor or therapist, then we can help you find one in your area. It is good that you are recognizing that his behaviors are getting in the way of his success in the social settings that life will present him with. Time is of the essence.
