Parenting is not easy, and we all need help sometimes. You did the right thing by reaching out for help.
It must be so frustrating to know that your son was an excellent student and to see him failing now would be so difficult. All the behaviors you mentioned are pretty serious behaviors, and attempting to run away can be challenging for all involved. Often, when a child runs away, they have an idea of where they are going to go. This may be a friend or significant other’s home. Whenever a child runs away, the first thing to do is to call the police and file a runaway report. This will keep your son on the police’s radar, and they will be on the look out for him. When you call and report your son as a runaway, be sure to tell them all the possible places he could be, so that they can find/locate him sooner. When they find your son, they will bring him back to your home.
It sounds like your son was having positive behaviors and didn’t have any issues with school until lately, is that right? Often, people have behaviors in reaction to something that has happened. For example, if there is a death of a loved one, a separation, a big move, going to a new school, etc., can cause a rift in someone’s life and cause them to act differently. This includes coping in unhealthy ways, such as having negative behaviors, failing classes, trying to run away, not listening, etc. Have you noticed any catalysts, big or small, that have happened in his life recently?
It can be difficult for people of all ages to understand their emotions and know how to express them in a healthy way. For adolescents, this can be even more difficult, since there can often be the biological component of puberty playing a part as well. This can sometimes make it so your child may not understand why they are acting the way they are. This includes not listening, not wanting to tell you where he is going, and attempting to run away. However, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t responsible for their behaviors, it just means it might be more difficult to find the root cause of the issue. Consequences can be very beneficial in changing behaviors, including increasing positive and decreasing negative behavior. With consequences, there are a few things that are important.
- Immediacy: Consequences should be given immediately after the behavior occurs, so that the child understands the connection between the behavior and the consequence.
- If you cannot give your child a consequence immediately, tell you child that they have earned a consequence for their behavior and then give it to them as soon as possible.
- Frequency: giving the same consequence too often will lose its effectiveness. Also, there is a saturation point to everything. This means that what the child is earning as a consequence is no longer effective because they don't care about the consequence since it's been used so much. It’s important to have a variety of consequences that you know are something your child will be affected by. For many adolescents, taking away electronics and not being able to hang out with friends are often effective.
- Size: consequence should match the action that caused the consequence. Ex: child doesn't clean their room, they don't get to have a friend over on the weekend. When consequences are set for too long, they lose their effectiveness, and parents are more likely to end the consequence early because it's hard to hold to something for that long. This could be something like, “you are grounded for a month”. Consequences should be set to a few days to a week at most to be effective.
- For kids with a lot of inappropriate behaviors, start with the smallest consequence possible that you think will change the behavior. This will make it easier to keep track of the consequences.
- Contingency: a positive consequence is earned only after doing something they are told to do. "You can watch TV after you finish your homework."
- Children should know if they can earn something back, such as erasing a negative consequence because your child has a positive behavior.
One of the most important rules of consequences is to make sure that your children are being rewarded for their good behavior. When we have children who are having negative behaviors very often, it can be hard to find the positive, good things they do. For example, he didn’t talk back to you, or the teacher didn’t call you about him not doing his work. Praise is something that people can forget that all of us need. We get bogged down with the negative and it can be hard to see the positive. It’s the same for children, too. If they are only being told about the bad things they are doing, they may stop to see any of the good things they are doing or believe they themselves are not good.
Consequences can be difficult to come up with in the moment. Try to have some consequences “prepared” or ready in your mind that you are able to give. This link Job Cards and Joy Cards is focused more for younger children, but can be modified to be effective with adolescents as well. It can also help so that you already have consequences written and readily available. If possible, have a conversation with your son about what the consequences should be for his actions, both positive and negative. If there is another parent involved, both of you must be on the same page. If one parent is not following the consequences and the other is, consequences will not be effective.
A great place that could help is the Nebraska Family Helpline. They are available 24/7 by phone at 1-888-866-8660. Their mission is specific to families like yours, where there is a child or children with behavioral needs that no one is seeming to help with. They offer support via trained crisis counselors, and also have a program called Family Navigation. Family Navigators are peer supports, meaning they have been in a similar situation to the one your family is in. Your mom would need to call in and set up the Family Navigator service, but once she does, the family navigator will call within 24-72 hours to set up the first meeting time. The family navigator is specifically a support for your mom and step-dad in this situation to help with your brother’s behaviors. They meet for approximately 8 hours total with your parents, and can meet anywhere, if your parents don’t want to meet with the navigator at their house. If there is a need for more support than the 8 hours, the family navigator will recommend your mom to call the helpline back to re-enroll in the program. This could be a great step in working towards getting help. Family navigation is a free service.
Another services that the Nebraska Family Helpline offers is called a Mobile Crisis Response (MCR). MCR is also available 24/7, and can be activated at any time. MCR is a service where a trained behavioral health specialist would either come out to the home in person, or meet with your family via telehealth or phone call. However, it’s important to know that if they come in person, police accompany the behavioral health specialist to ensure safety of the specialist, but they do not have a part in the intervention. If your brother is being physically violent, the MCR is not something that can be activated, because of safety reasons. Though it seems like it was ineffective, calling the police in dangerous situations, like your bother throwing chairs, will be the fastest way to get help. If the MCR is dispatched to the home in person, it can take anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour, depending on location and drive time. MCR is also a free service.
We have a website, Your Life Your Voice. It has different tips and tools for stress, coping, and things like that. This may also be a resource for your brother, as we have a texting line that is on the website. It is open from 7a-1a daily. Sometimes it’s easier for kids and teens to text rather than to talk. He may not be willing to accept help from you or anyone in person, but maybe if he has this resource available to him, he can reach out. If you feel like he won’t accept you giving him the info, you can always write it down and put it on his room, so he can see it and know it’s there.
Finally, you matter. Life can be hectic, unpredictable, and stressful. You did a great job reaching out for help. Be sure to do something for yourself today, and every day. It doesn’t have to be anything big. It could be something as small as drinking your favorite cup of tea before bed, calling or texting a friend for a few minutes, or taking a longer shower than normal. It’s really difficult to help meet the needs of others when our needs are not being met first. Self-care is not selfish.
We are more than happy to talk with you over the phone at the number below, 24/7. If you need referrals, we also have those. If it’s easier to email, that’s okay too! It just might be a day or so before we are able to respond.
