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My teenage daughter and her friend are fighting because one of them lied.

Question:

​My 16-year-old daughter’s closest friend often exaggerates and tells innocent lies which my daughter has brushed aside. However, a recent incident has upset my daughter so much she has not been able to get over it.

The two girls were in a store and found a skirt they both liked very much. They agreed to buy it together and take turns sharing it. Last week, a bunch of girls were hanging out at the friend’s house when she said to my daughter, "When are you going to let me use the skirt again?", knowing full well that my daughter did not have it. Later, my daughter saw the skirt in the friend’s closet. My daughter is very upset. She is afraid that saying anything will hurt the friendship and it’ll never be the same again. She does not want to lose her closest friend, but also wants them to be honest with each other.

Answer:

Thank you for reaching out for support today. Parenting is not always easy, which is why we are here to help.

In the situation with your daughter, we suggest it would be best to let your daughter determine if her friend is someone she wants to be friends with or not. If you were to tell her not to be friends with the girl, your daughter may become defensive, and it could push her towards the girl more. Instead, here are some things we suggest that might help:

  • Ask your daughter what she thinks her friend's goal was in asking the question about the skirt in front of their friends. What does your daughter believe her friend's intentions were?
  • Have your daughter ask her friend if she realized when she asked the question that the skirt was in her closet—that way, if her friend lies, your daughter can make better decisions about the friendship.
  • Suggest to your daughter she might want to be cautious about what she shares with this friend, including being too personal since it sounds like her friend might be a risk to tell others about what is shared, even though your daughter thought she could confide in her.

It's also important as a parent to teach kids about positive qualities in friends and how to surround themselves with positive support. It can be hard to talk with teenagers sometimes about these things because they can get defensive, say you are lecturing them, etc. It might be more effective to give her a few resources to look at. The first is the website Your Life, Your Voice . It is through Boys Town and is specifically for teens and young adults to explore and learn about different topics they might be struggling with, such as friendships. There is also a 24/7 toll-free phone number on the website for the Boys Town National Hotline, as well as a number she can text during certain hours to talk to a Crisis Counselor. Here is a page from the website about healthy friendships: Healthy Relationships

Finally, there is also a book available, A Good Friend: How to Make One, How to be One, from the Boys Town Press about friendships that is another resource she could use to help with the situation.  It's not that she doesn't have to be friends with her, because it sounds like she is someone your daughter cares about; however, your daughter should feel empowered to make positive choices.

We are so glad you reached out for support today. We are here by phone 24/7 year round at the number below or by email.

Boys Town Hotline

Phone: 1-800-448-3000

Email: helpkids@hope.boystown.org ​

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